Flora Graham

Tuesday 21 April 2009, 5:07pm

Now I know what it's like to eat squirrel, carpet and farts

Being a professional geek means hours of training, a rigorous fitness regime and a highly tuned diet. That's right: Coke and crisps, with a least an hour in front of the Xbox 360 every night.

Walker's doesn't want to leave well enough alone, so it's messing around with one of our favourite geek snacks, the humble crisp. It's asked the public to vote on six new flavours, and CNET UK couldn't let that happen without passing our own judgement on the flavours presumptive.

Walkers was kind enough to fire over a box of the duelling deliciousness and after spending the day up to my elbows in flavourings, here's my God-like reckoning.

In order of deliciousness, from umamiless to umami-tastic:

6. Builder's breakfast

A horrifying Russian roulette of flavours, featuring crisps with bacon, egg and other breakfast-related odours. The egg flavour is so much like someone farting in your mouth that it stops being a joke. The other flavours are okay, but the egg stimulated so much fear that the whole bag becomes like a nightmarish bush-tucker trial.

5. Fish & chips

My favourite meal, so it sounded like the most promising flavour to me. But in reality, it's salt & vinegar with a disturbing fishy scent -- and you know how disturbing a fishy scent can be. Tastes like salt & vinegar that has gone off.

4. Onion bhaji

Tastes like carpet. I've never tasted carpet, but somehow now I know exactly how it tastes. Thanks, onion bhaji.

3. Crispy duck & hoisin

Manages to be oddly bland and avoid tasting like either duck or hoisin sauce -- but to be fair, it is crispy. Could be called crispy blah.

2. Chilli & chocolate

A great flavour combo from Mexico gets the crisp treatment -- that's right, try chicken in Mole poblano sauce for a chilli and chocolate treat that's been surprisingly good since the Aztecs. The crisps don't come close to the South American deliciousness, but at least they don't leave you wondering what the hell you just put in your mouth.

1. Cajun squirrel

They say 'suitable for vegetarians' on the bag, so presumably no squirrels were harmed in the making of these crisps. But it does make us wonder: what kind of freakish chemical are they using to simulate squirrel? Totally inoffensive, except for the name.

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